permission

I knew it would be big. It was the creak of ropes straining, hot air balloon rising, pegs pinging into the air. Fate bent down and curled her fingers, pinkie brushing my lobe.

“You can leave.”
Oh. My mouth makes the shape but no sound.
“They’ll be fine without you and you without them.
Oh. This time air escapes.

I didn’t write the whole time. Whenever I put pen to paper my eyes would well. I couldn’t say it. I guess I just did.

just in case

Something rang in her, a repetitive theme in her dreams, or not so much theme
as texture on tongue
or temperature on neck
or humidity of strange land.
of rolling frozen hills at dusk
of stone houses to rest in
of frequent movement across borders.

Viewing it not like in the movies with dotted red lines trailing aces, but of the jagged greens and blues of conquest. From above.

It gnawed at her, this odd interpretation of dream themes as her immediate future, but it never rang so true until today.

Surely her dreams would not prophesize something equal or less to her immediate circumstance. So what was it, and which way?

My cat looks gorgeous on the new rug.

Last wine drank joint smoked laugh giggled cigarette stubbed hugged goodnight champagne forgotten (but waiting). For three weeks.

But for always my girls.

Love you!

Laden. The word I just used in a scrabble game with Amy. Laden. If you say it often it loses all meaning. Ladle. Sorry, had to type something there to get the old wheels turning. If ladle is what does it, that’s what does it.

Saw my third film festival movie today. Thanks to my sister and husband for such a lovely annual treat. The one tonight was Poor Boy’s Game by Clement Virgo, who also did my very first film festival movie ever, Love Come Down (causing massive crush on Larenz Tate). Clement Virgo also did Lie With Me, which I haven’t, but want very badly to see. The lead actress played Lara on the L Word. Cough. Anyway, the movie tonight was really good, my favourite of the three, although all were really good. My favourite personal memory of the film festival was almost crashing face first into Don McKellar then giving him this dorky smile/shrug, then asking my sister if that was Atom Egoyan. Oops.

Leaving in a week for a trip that in retrospect will be huge. A grand, unexpected adventure, that given how the next ten years of my life will probably go, will inevitably be used as the precursor for many stories to come. It will divide my life in two, as any day could, but we only count the important ones. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Well, maybe tomorrow, I’ll have to get over the jet lag. Then we’ll deal with the rest of my life. That time back from trips is a crucial one. Do you act on epiphanies you had while away, while walking on cobblestone streets next to canals, while sitting in a café, while sleeping in a hostel with snorers? Do you go back to school? Move to the country? Become a pastry chef? Even if you don’t follow all the little sparks vacations bring, there’s that air about you that you want to keep as long as possible. I’d like to thing that I live life like I’m on vacation, but there’s nothing wrong with a booster shot.

natural mystic

Nothing like the sound of a fresh bottle of shampoo squirting all over your floor as you step on it. How could I have been expected to see it when it was under that laundry? Ah well, at least I didn’t lose much, it was only 2.50 (with free 50ml of hairspray) and the stuff I missed wiping up will just aide in the next mopping.

“Mmm what is that smell?”
“Herbal Essences actually, I like to mop with it.”

Hung out with my nephew for most of the night, nothing like explaining the world to a two and a half year old to lift your spirits.

Honey you shouldn’t step on that plant.
Why?
Because you’re flattening it.
Why?
Because you’re stepping on it. That hurts it.
(bends down and stares intently) Oh.

He also showed me a neighbour’s labrador (lavender), cupping it in his hands and saying “smell nice”. He is a great kid. I’m a funny auntie babysitter. I take care of all the basic needs, but the boy will eat in front of the t.v. (Dora) and get soup all over his shirt.

Today in response to someone inquiring on my romanic availability my dear friend responded “She sees people.” Like clients? Like the kid in the sixth sense? I love how that was my sum up; we had a good laugh over that one.

That, juxtaposed with my auntie life… I guess I realize more and more how my world and who I am is made up of many different sections, overlapping half bubbles, like how horizons would look like from the sky. Some at opposite poles, some doing the cha cha around the equator. Oh my god I’m going to give you three guesses who may have smoked a little hoolie this evening. Go.

Later that day.

She sits smoking on the concrete ledge that seems to run the entire perimeter of Ryerson, minus the doors. The movie had ended and she’d gone out while her sister and mother were in the bathroom. Good movie. Jack Black and Nicole Kidman were not present; Jennifer Jason Leigh was. Celebrities always look totally normal in person. They’re allowed to have bigger better hair, but that’s about it. Nice boots. Her mother and sister approach slowly, and by the slow deepening of her mother’s brow and her sister’s “oh shit” widening eyes, the girl realizes she has not previously told her mother she started smoking again.

I smoke again.
I see.
I think I told you that.
I don’t think you told me. Maybe your brother did.
Matt told you I smoke?!
I’m not sure, maybe.
Ugh! (under breath) Well he smoked too…

The sister interjects to stop the girl’s retaliatory betrayal. The girl stubs it out. Her mother seems more upset that she didn’t know, rather than the expected horror of the associated health hazards.

Honey I understand it’s a hard habit to quit.
What?
It’s hard to quit.
Oh.
I’m going to find one of those “No Puffin” posters you used to put up for your dad.
Ha!
You used to think it was so bad.
Yeah….

I love my mother. I met her at the Eaton Centre and she was all aflutter, not used to so many people, and such variety at that! She was all bohemian purse and four layers of clothing plus waterproof fall jacket, completely prepared for any weather that should pop up. She snuck a pop into the Ryerson Theater (water only!) and starting asking me if I want some just as an ad ended so all you could hear was her going “ – want some Sprite?” We got her paranoid that they were going to see her chugging it on the night vision goggles they were using to prevent piracy and kick us all out. She was a gong show in the subway system. Said “Have a nice day” (big warm Rose smile) to the token collector and then didn’t put one in. The doors booped and closed right in front of her face, thank god they opened again or we would have had to mime a plan to her through the moving windows. It’s weird, all of a sudden trying (not) to lecture your mother on why you don’t walk 3-wide on the sidewalk, or the concept of stand right, walk left.

Came home, had some KFC. Sigh. There is only one fast food joint within a 10 minute walk from my house. If anything else shows up they are screwed. So slow, so nasty, so delicious.

strawberry letter 22

I’m out of Tylenol and the withdrawal is causing my back and neck muscles to coil and burn. Soon they will relax, shifting the tension into the nape of my neck, massive headache styles. I’m trying not to buy any more at my liver’s request.

Reason #43 I need a girlfriend. My last lesbian relationship consisted almost entirely of exchanged back massages and pancakes. I miss that. She contacted me recently to check in and apologize for missed opportunities and messing things up. Nice closure, would you like to come over and rub my neck please? I’ll make you Caesar salad. We don’t have to tell your boyfriend.

Leaving in 8 days and besides securing a passport and care for my pets I am not even remotely ready. Amy suggested we start with laundry. I countered with packing 3 pairs of gitch and buying a new wardrobe overseas. The lazy, visa-holding approach. Ah well.

I keep getting this nervous energy thumping through my midsection, at first confusing it with a nic-fit and/or bowel issues and then realizing it’s the excitement of a crush I don’t know exactly what to do with yet. Maybe I should wait until I get back, but that might be too long. Hm. This is the problem with girls. Its way too easy for me to just decide that I’d rather be friends forever then chance ever having to break up or get rejected. I always chance it with guys, which might be a problem in itself. Did I already write about this? I’m having déjà vu. Trying not to write about it on here for obvious reasons, so instead harassing my friends with the peas approach. The peas approach was developed by Jane and describes trying to have a conversation with someone who is crushing. Example:

Jane: I had peas last night, they were good, I think they are in season.
Alissa: Oh my god! (Name of crush) loves peas!!

5 minutes later

Jane: I’m going to have my wisdom teeth out in January.
Alissa: Oh my god! (Name of crush) was born in January!!

Anyway, large bowl of peas in this case but I’m trying to keep it under wraps.

Seeing my mother tonight, so excited to curl up with her at the movies. She’ll totally rub my back if I ask her. She’s the reason I’m addicted to touch I think. I spent my first 10 years suction cupped to her, rubbing each other’s scalps and her letting me rat up her curly hair with bobby pins and clips.