NSFF (not safe for family)

I remembered today what I wanted to talk about last night, about the whole sexuality issue. A friend of mine had made some comments last Saturday that really got under my skin, and instead of saying something then, I’ve been passive-aggressively stewing ever since. Sweetie, if you’re reading this, no biggie, I think a lot of people would have said what you said and that’s what gets under my skin. It went a little like this:

Recently kind-of-single female friend: “I just want to kiss girls. I just want to go out and kiss them. I’m not gay. I just want to kiss them because it’s so nice. I don’t want to go down there (makes circle motion at crotch level and scrunches nose slightly).”

I squawked out a little “Well don’t tell the girls that!” and that was it.

Where to begin. “I’m not gay.”

Two early 20s girls sit on the carpeted staircase of a dirty university house, drinking brandy and orange juice (?) The first girl has decided to let the second girl read a short story she’s been working on. When she’s finished, the second girl announces to the first girl that it was amazing and she kind of wants to have sex with her now. Much fumbling ensues, up the stairs, leaving pools of warm wax knocked over in their wake.

Not that everyone is gay, but I’d think getting off on making out with females implies something a little to the right of straight, not to mention I had you 12 ways to Tuesday ten years ago and I think you kind of liked it. But no, go with not gay, then you don’t have to stop and think about it for any length of time at the risk of then having to turn your life on its head.

The girls make their way down the stairs to the second floor, giggly and flushed. The second girl knocks on the door of their male roommate and announces that they’ve just had sex, just to see him squirm. The first girl feels something pull in her stomach, a realization that what has just happened was two different experiences for two different people.

“I don’t want to go down there.” Gay issues aside that is a seriously bad case of female self-hate and I know a ridiculously large amount of girls who feel this way. Really? What’s wrong with it? I’d like a bulleted list if you don’t mind. Try making that list without insulting yourself and the woman who bore you while you’re at it. Is it gross? Smelly? Sticky? Furry? Not grabbing your attention with the sort of penile urgency you’re used to? You all need to do whatever it is you need to do to love yourself allover. Not for the lesbian community. Not for the pleasure of the next guy you’re with who will revel in your level of self love and comfort. For you.

Secondly on this point there is the actual physical dynamic of sex. The majority of what I love most in this arena is not based on the instinctual urges that first had me feeling a little funny 20 years ago, and heck I hadn’t even imagined most of it, but instead on what I’ve learned since. That all the sensory input that takes place is not in itself a turn on but secondary. I like this feel/touch/taste/smell because I know it makes you feel good, therefore it is a turn on. To not want to “go down there” and learn to love it just as you did men, to please someone out of lust and love, is beyond comprehension to me. Maybe I’m just lucky.

The second girl returns home from her date with her soon-to-be boyfriend and announces that she told him about their sexual exploits.
“What did he say?” says the first girl.
“To tell him so he can bring the camera next time!” says the second girl.
The first girl feels that tug in her gut again, her chin twitches and she picks up a magazine. She understands how it is going to be now. She is not a threat.